l have woken up today with the wish of something umami-tasting. When an idea pops up in my head and fixes there, deeply embedded in my mind, my goose is cooked!
So, trapped in this loop, I go in search of the fifth taste. I will do nothing all day long. I will just pretend that I am working and when nobody sees me I will lick my desk. Then I will lick the phone, my post-it sticky notes, flag page markers, pens and markers. The reading lamp as well. And the tape with its dispenser, my plastic mineral water bottle and the scissor handles (I don’t dare to lick the blade, for fear of getting cut).
My taste papillae are perfectly capable of recognizing the four basic tastes: bitter, sweet, salty, and sour, but what exactly is the umami taste? I HAVE NO IDEA. The only thing that this Japanese word evokes in me, if I repeat it twice and add the color of the sky, is the hit single by The Pop-Tops (guess what?).
Why all this confusing mess? (you may strike back) The fastest way (compelling logic tells us) would be to buy a bag of monosodium glutamate, this flavour enhancer, alias E-621 in the area of food. TOUCH WOOD, I WOULD NEVER DREAM OF DOING SO! Scientific studies show that this sucky substance can affect our brain’s health. And if monosodium glutamate (E 621) makes poor rats go crazy…what terrible damage will this filthy poison inflict on my brilliant and “out-of-orbit” cerebral convolutions? I cannot afford this kind of damage. IT COULD RUIN MY WRITING CAREER! The only glutamate I can tolerate is Glutamato Ye-Yé (a Spanish pop-rock group from the 80s).
I resume licking objects in search of the fifth taste. What does a desk taste like? It really has to have some taste because if a desk were insipid it wouldn’t be a desk, IT WOULD BE WATER! And how could our computer stay put on water? WE NEED A FLOAT. So all inanimate objects must have some taste. I wonder why nobody tastes objects. They have so many advantages! No need to cook them (I wonder how long it would take to boil a cloudy grey lever arch binder in a pressure cooker. And if you roast it in the oven?) You can save yourself the effort of digestion (so you won’t need to take a nap afterwards, because you won’t feel sleepy) and you never get fat. As soon as I find out I will write my impressions. I think it has to be the glasses. It must be the glasses. Yes, specifically, the arms. They do taste kind of funny. This has to be umami taste. But first I need to make sure. Who could I ask?