The vortex of suicide

Sometimes I feel so tired that the regular rest, the one that satisfies most people- such as getting 8 to 9 hours of solid sleep without waking, taking a good nap after lunch, lying on the sofa letting time run away with no hurry, no schedule, no annoying appointments- that kind of rest is not enough for me.uicide

When this happens to me I plunge into what I usually call “my suicidal vortex”, a whirlwind of foolish visions of a macabre nature, but very soothing to me.

During those critical days I spend hours and hours planning the best way of committing suicide, without suffering any pain and with my corpse intact.I love beautiful, neat corpses. So I devote most of my days to conceiving that perfect suicide.

suicide

suicideI imagine a thousand ways of going to a better place and getting rid forever of the worldly fatigue that blocks my path to profound rest. Whenever I cross a street I fantasize about throwing myself impulsively under the wheels of a car. Even better, a long trailer truck pulling a bulky and heavy load. But that kind of death doesn’t suit me because I don’t want to finish like a shapeless mass of torn flesh. I can see the subway train in the distance and I think of throwing myself onto the tracks, but it is the same thing: my broken body in a pool of blood.suicide

I imagine that I go into the wild sea, too far ahead, where I lose my feet and cannot feel the bottom. And I drown with no one around to help me. This is a very clean death, but I am terrified by the creatures that live below the water’s surface (my childhood trauma with sharks is still there, thanks to Spielberg, and although I don’t care to drown at sea, I DON’T WANT TO BE DEVOURED BY A GREAT WHITE SHARK FOR ANYTHING IN THIS GOD’S WORLD.

suicideI lean over a balcony and I feel the attraction of the void, a voice calling me by my name. So, I jump into the void, looking for the ground that is awaiting me impatiently at the other end. But I have the same problem: I don’t want my body smashed and dismembered on the ground  under the terrible impact.

So, I change the subject and start pondering where I can get a lethal poison that will do me in fulminantly without making my entrails burst in a long agony. I know that in the Serranía de Ronda, not far from where I live, mandrake grows, a mythical plant with a very toxic root. I may try and drink a strong decoction.suicide

I sharpen the kitchen knives nonstop and I visualize myself stabbing myself right through my heart, but I don’t trust my  unsteady hand, let alone my bad aim. I want to die immediately. I like this classic very much: cutting my veins in the bath. I love the result: my dead body, stiff and rigid, so snow-white and intact, half sunk in red, bloody water. Will this method hurt much? It is my favorite one, at least for now.suicide

The rod on which the living-room curtains hang becomes an improvised scaffold in my tired head and I see myself climbing the rungs of a portable ladder and adjusting the jump rope that used to belong to my daughter when she was a little girl around my neck. Suspended thus, I should die, asphyxiated, but what if I tie a lousy knot and I die slowly and painfully?

suicideFire is rejected. If every time I splash my hand with hot oil when frying eggs I see stars, so much it hurts, I just don’t want to know how much being burnt alive will hurt. My body all charred like Freddy Krueger or the Phantom of the Opera? And the fortune I have already spent on expensive beauty treatments, all for nothing? NO WAY!suicide

´So, I turn to heart attack, but despite the fact that they are very common these days and kill a lot of people, you cannot choose the exact moment to have one. And although I can do everything possible to bring one of them on me, the idea of suffering a stroke terrifies me, as they are both cardiovascular diseases and the causes are the same. I believe in Murphy’s law, so instead of dying suddenly I could end my days in a vegetative state,  severely mentally impaired.

suicideConsidering the situation, with so many problems, so many doubts and fears, my crazy suicidal inclination starts to fade away and I decide to reduce part of my extreme fatigue with less radical methods and, of course, reversible.

 

Deja una respuesta

Tu dirección de correo electrónico no será publicada. Los campos obligatorios están marcados con *