The case of the slob-neat girl and the curious relation between higiene and politics

slobI have met quite a lot of slob-neat girls during my life. This invented (by me) word (slob-neat) refers to a kind of women who look neat, well dressed and tidy, with a flawless mane, perfect in every way, the right accesories ítems matching all her trendy and fashionable outfits. As she walks past you, you smell a scent of expensive perfume, the one that anaesthetises the nose to make it ready for a painless rhinoplasty.Watch out! Some of these women, nota ll of them, are a fraud. They appear neat and tidy but it is just a curtain of smoke. They are really dirtier than Potota herself (this is a Spanish local saying), who put a carnation in her hair and it took root.

The most slob-neat girl I have ever met looked as if she had just stepped off the cover of Vogue. Beside her all the other girls looked uglier than popeyed Marty Feldman (Igor of Mel Brooks’ Young Frankenstein). She had a long dark mane, thick and luxurious, perfectly cut and styled by her hairdresser. She smelt so good that when I was at her side I felt like biting her, just to check if her taste matched up to her smell. Her perfect makeup would always be impecable from dawn to sunset, no matter what activities she chose to do. She always looked fresh like a rose either at the supermarket or in sumo wrestling.

Only a few knew the truth about this beauty: her flatmates. They were the minority who KNEW. They knew, for instance, that the undercover pig barely took a shower to freshen up  because she was very sensitive to the cold. They also knew that she didn’t have any bath towels: she would take the first one Handy, I mean, ours, to dry her pudenda and wipe off her waterproof reye mask.slob

She would never wash her clothes. When she took them off, she used to scatter them all over the place, in exactly the same way thatTom Thumb did with his bread crumbs. And then one day she would decide to clean up her room, so she would pick up all her dirty clothes that had been piling up everywhere and shoved them under her bed, where they would end up merging with the big dust bunnies, the primeval inhabitants of that dark hiding  place.

I was absolutely amazed. Such a goddamned filthy slob considered by everyone outside the very image of neatness!

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I have never met any slob-neat  men, just the opposite: a lot of neat-slob ones. A neat-slob man is an individual who makes you sick with his dirty, messy slobbish looks, although he does perform his daily washing ritual like people who look neat and clean. He is only apparently dirty, a fake. It often happens that these men are much cleaner than a brand-new set of chalice, paten and ciborium. They are, these slob-neat men, just the opposite of the apparently superhygienic it-girl with her heart-stopping, stunning looks who is, in fact, the real slob herself.slob

There must be many slob-clean men in the world, of course, as there must also be many superneat-slob women, although I have never met any of them in person.

Once I have established this concept, and its opposite, I have noticed that many of the slob-neat women I have met sided politically with the more conservative parties, whereas, in my opinion, the majority of neat-slob people are members of the less moderate left parties.

Let’s say, for instance, Podemos congressman Miguel Ardanuy. When I saw a picture of him I thought: “Here is a neat-slob guy”. His fake carelessness definitely hides a lot of baths with Moussel de Legrain, rubbing his ears thoroughly.slob

Joaquín Sabina, the singer-songwriter, an inveterate womanizer, usually says that he loves the women members of the conservative People’s Party (PP), because they are hot. Be careful, Sabina.You should watch your bathroom! If you don’t hear very often the water running is because your catch, despite her striking good looks, has surely more bugs and lice running around her scalp than one of Marie Antoinette’s powdered wig.slob

Appearing to be something, without really being it, seems enough to row the boat of life, the real life, not to say our two-faced social media lives.

 

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