No more bare butts: T-shirts and the hominization process

T-shirtsEven at the risk of being branded a hater, since I am always writing “I hate this” or “I can’t stand that, here I go again pestering you with this new post about something I simply can’t stand: nudism.

Comfort can never serve as a justification. I am not satisfied with this reason at all. Those bathing suits, bikinis or trikinis with metal rings that are heated by the sun and leave distinguishing symbols burnt into your skin like livestock brands are as uncomfortable as men hypnotizing people with their oscillating pendulums and women with their clackers swinging up and down and banging against each other.T-shirts

T-shirtsThe most comfortable type of garment is always a T-shirt. A white one, so well-worn and washed that it is almost see- through, two or three sizes bigger than your current size, made of the softest organic cotton. Put it on over loose-fitting white panties (or boxers, if you like them best), also made with the same organic cotton and no bra (it was invented by Torquedmada, inquisitor general of Castile and Leon).T-shirts

T-shirt clad bodies go to the end of the world. Do you by any chance think that Adam and Eve used to frolick together in the Garden of Eden? HA! It’s one of the many lies we are told in childhood. Religious iconography has helped spread this lie. As a matter of fact, THEY WERE WEARING T-SHIRTS! I knew it as a result of a revelation I had in my dreams: Spain won  Eurovision Song Contest with a song whose title I don’t remember, but  I do remember the chorus: “Adam and Eve did not bare their naked bottoms, they would wear comfy T-shirts made of cotton”T-shirts

Don’t you feel a repulsion for those human bodies that try to go back to a state of pure nature to which they do not belong anymore? I DO! They make me nauseated. I can serenely contemplate a bare-bottomed monkey and keep my peace of mind.  Nothing happens. My universe does not collapse. Further, I would get very upset, up to the point of bringing a lawsuit against the perpetrator, if he or she, just for fun, covered the simian posterior with a pair of Calvin Klein boxer shorts.T-shirts

A monkey  in the raw does not disturb me at all. But my fifth-floor neighbor, the fruit seller around the corner, Zara’s shop assistant or my parish pastor, for instance, eating prawns on a nudist beach… GET THEE BEHIND ME SATAN! And it is not a matter of beauty, even though I am an aesthete. If the very same Michelangelo’s David, Renaissance archetype of male beauty, took human form and laid down in a deck chair as the great artist carved him from the large block of marble, I would likewise put the T-shirt on him.T-shirts

Why human beings have this mania of forcing a situation which can no longer be restored? IT IS NOT POSSIBLE, NO WAY. WE CANNOT GO BACK! The triumph of science and technology is not compatible with doing the full monty. If you use a tablet, a smartphone or a laptop, do cover your private parts. You have to live in accordance with your time. There is nothing more ridiculous than those fools nostalgic for Prehistory who are also compulsive chain message forwarders while they roast their ding-a-lings in the sun. Those individuals are emetic anachronisms. They make everybody puke, both early hominids and also their contemporaries.T-shirts

Every Australopithecus would go into shock due to the combination of complete nudity plus mobile devices. But there is always something worse. I call it “the progression to the last straw”: bare genitals + leading technology + piercings, bracelets, rings, earrings and necklaces. And the worst possible: bare genitals + leading technology + piercings, bracelets, rings, earrings and necklaces + entire body covered in tattoos.Flagrant attack against the hominization process! Sounding blow to anthropology, genetics, archaeology and paleontology! And to think that a single T-shirt would prevent such an extreme disaster!

 

 

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