How to buy a ghost-free house

ghostWhen buying a house it is extremely important to take into account some factors. The main one is, of course, that there should be no trace of any undesirable phantasmagoric presences in it. Mothers-in-law and sisters-in-law are enough to fulfill all the requirements in one’s present life. Why do we need to endure those irritable specters trapped between this world and the Great Beyond, who take their supernatural frustration out on us, the Living, and enjoy moving furniture and making spine-chilling noises when night falls?ghost

I am sure that this Scottish family in order to save a few pounds have now their hands full trying to find a sitter who wants to take care of their children in the house they live. The case went viral when they put an advertisement. They live in a haunted house –or so they say- in a remote place, with spectacular views. How creepy! What an explosive combination! A dirt-cheap  mansion, this family of wannabes and a total lack of cinephilia. Molotov cocktail!

ghostOh, you simpletons! Have you never watched “The Amityville Horror”? Hearing these two words: “Hotel Overlook”, doesn’t make your hair stand on end? Don’t you get terrified and run like hell when your youngest daughter alerts you with her melodious voice that “they are here”, even though it is the pizza delivery man?

You deserve this, morons!  Boast rhymes with ghost! You wanted to show off your wealth and position to the visitors and now look at you, you have to put up with all these supernatural phenomena.

If only you had consulted me beforehand! The first thing I do when I buy a house is to make sure that it is not haunted. For that purpose I always hire an American team of profesional ghostbusters with Bachelor’s Degrees in Parapsychology awarded by Stanford University. It certainly costs me a fortune, but it’s worth the money. Maybe next time I’ll buy a second hand supernatural cleaning equipment, not to be flat broke.ghost

Even if this Scottish family gives the moon and the stars to the person who looks after the children, they won’t find anybody who accepts the job. Skeptical people are the ones who run the fastest when lights begin to flicker. I know brawny dockworker-looking guys, well above 6-feet tall, who screams in hysterical terror “LAST ONE IS A SISSY!” when the crochet sofa arm covers begin to fly around. Not to mention if they see a face reflected in the glass when they shave. They run like a bat out of hell and who knows what else they’re capable of doing. There is just not enough space on a world atlas for them to run.

ghostSo, don’t be stingy when it comes to buying a house. If you are short of money, you need to stick to your budget.

REFUSE ALL THE OFFERS YOU CAN’T REFUSE! Because there are a lot of real estate “living” agents, real nasty pieces of work, and also a lot of people no longer alive who carry out intense paranormal activity “24/7”.

When looking at a prospective house have your feet on the ground and do a little calculating. If you barely make both ends meet perhaps you need to apply for subsidized housing.ghost

I don’t know any awardee who has complained about paranormal activity in his affordable home. Ghost can’t stand structural deficiencies.

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Don’t be a featherbrained dreamer! Feathers are for birds and birds, you know, are for Hitchcock.

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